New Tricks
by Astronomixicalixa
Summary: Death. Romance. Destruction. Sex but mild . Join Harry as he goes on a quest to find his identity, his friends... and true love. Mild slash. A series of events that could change perspectives... forever.
1. Chapter 1

Harry was going to the dungeons.

Nothing dodgy, he just needed to do his potions homework.

Hermione was ill.

So he went to the dungeon and THREW his bag onto a desk.

"Hello Harry Potter" said a dark voice.

"Hi, Seamus!" said Harry happily. "Hermione is ill."

"I know, " said Seamus, "I have to do my own homework."

"Hey, how about that!" Said Harry. "Me freaking too!"

"Oh no, is Hermione ill?" said Seamus concernedly.

"Yes she is," said Harry tiredly. "That's why I have to do my own homework."

"Me too!" said Seamus. "It's sad isn't it?"

"What is?" said Harry.

"I don't know." Said Seamus, sadly.

"OMG!" said a voice from the shadowed shadows. "Are you all retarded?" it was Lavender Brown.

"No, we're not." Shouted Harry, a little bit annoyed.

"We're not what?" said Seamus, confused.

"Retarded." Said Harry.

"Oh." Said Seamus. "I might be."

Harry grabbed his shoulders, and Seamus leaned back anxiously.

"Listen, friend!" said Harry urgently. "You are NOT. Don't let anyone tell you that!"

"I'm not what? I'm not your friend, buddy."

Harry dropped him on the hard, cold floor. "I'm not your buddy, guy."

Seamus cried when he hit in the floor and clutched his weary face and then decided he was okay.

"I've finished now." He said, picking up his things.

"You haven't even started!" said Harry, surprised.

"I've finished now." Said Seamus, and left.

"I AM ALL ALONE!" said Harry, and sat down.

"I'm here" said Lavender.

"No you're not." Harry retorted, and sure enough Lavender wasn't.

"Potter." A voice hissed.

Harry felt a cold prickle feeling on the back of his neck.

"What are you doing here? Where is Miss Granger?" Snape hissed.

"I think we should get this over with." Said Harry, pulling down his trousers.

"Good God, Harry! No!" said Snape, alarmed. "I don't like that at all."

"Are you gay?" said Harry asked affronted.

"If I was, I would have gone for your sweet ass." Said Snape.

"That sounds legit," said Harry, pulling his trousers up. "But people expect something to happen between us!"

"Okay." Said Snape, evilly, caressing Harry's scar.

"That tickles!" Harry screamed.

"Does it?" said Snape, happily. His long fingers touched his rib cage.

"OOOOOH!" said Harry.

"Shut up!" said Snape, clapping a hand over his mouth.

"MORE." Harry demanded.

"NO!" said Snape.

"Okay," said Snape changing his mind. He threw Harry onto the desk.

"MIND MY BAG." Said Harry.

"FORGET YOUR BAG." Said Snape, tickling Harry's feet.

"GET OFF ME AND MY BAG." Said Harry.

"TIIIIIICCCCCCKKKKLLLLLEEE." Said Snape, scratching Harry's tummy.

"THIS IS TORTURE." Said Harry, weirdly aroused.

"I HOPE YOU'RE NOT AROUSED." said Snape.

"NO!" said Harry, damning occlumency.

"GOOD." Snape shouted, and shoved his fingers into Harry's armpits.

Harry screamed. "THIS IS AWFUL… BUT I LIKE IT."

"ME TOO!" said Snape. "But I'm tired now."

"Yes." Replied Harry. "Let's cuddle and go to sleep."

So they did.

"I'M A RETARD!" shouted Seamus.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry was walking down the corridor to get to his Transfigurations class.

He wasn't late, he was two hours early but he accidentally missed his Potions lesson that started in five minutes.

Harry CLOPPED MERRILY down the corridor.

'Oh hello, Harry!' said a happy voice, merrily.

'Go away, Colin.' Said Harry covering his face with his cloak. Harry suffered from serious self-esteem problems. Colin was very fit-looking and Harry thought he was too ugly to even LOOK at Colin.

'Just one, Harry!' Colin pleaded with pleas, holding his camera up.

'One what?' Said Harry, curious.

'Want one?' Asked Colin.

'No,' said Harry, and walked away faster.

Colin stood in the corridor like a confused wildebeest, tears running down his face like liquid chandeliers. 'Harry!' he cried piteously, 'I don't know where my next class is!'

Harry ran back and scratched Colin on the forehead with one fingernail. 'It's potions!' Harry said, with a helpful heart. 'Don't forget your reading glasses now!'

'Gee Harry, thanks!' sang Colin, as he skipped past his charms class. 'I owe you a big favour!'

Harry continued to walk down the corridor. It was a long one, but further to walk up.

'Ah, Harry,' a voice bubbled. 'Skipping class are we? Not that it matters, please come into my office.'

With rising HORROR and DREAD Harry looked up into the face of Gilderoy Lockhart. It was a good job he looked at Gilderoy's face, because he was naked. Colin had taken all his clothes. He envied Lockhart's plum velvet.

'Professor, I have a class in a mere two hours…'

'Two hours?! Well I'll have to make it quick! Feel free to try on my robes!'

Harry cautiously picked up a violet robe and put it on. It certainly suited him.

'So Harry, you wanted to talk to me.' Gilderoy grinned.

'Yes,' said Harry assertively, 'I wanted to ask you about a certain Mr Severus Snape.'

Lockhart went a deathly pale, and began to fidget. 'I don't know what went on, officer. I mean Harry.'

'HA!' Screamed Harry, pointing dramatically.

'I'VE GOT YOU DOWN' Shouted Harry, doing a victory-dance. Lockhart shrank in his seat.

'You know all about Snape's hobby and you don't like it,' Harry continued, puffing on his pipe. 'Snape rejected you, didn't he?'

Lockhart nodded. 'He said I'm too sweaty to tickle.'

'No,' said Harry, aghast. 'And how did you _feel?'_

'Betrayed,' Lockhart sniffed. 'It was like he liked my body like, but not like what came out of it.'

'I can imagine,' said Harry with feeling. 'What an utter arse. You are _so_ much better without him.'

'You think so?' sniffed Lockhart.

'I know so,' replied Harry, 'he never treated you right.'

'He never looks at me properly when I ask him to pass the salt.'

'What about the pepper?'

'He looks then. Sometimes he smiles.'

'I HATE fickle people!' Harry shouted, standing up.

'GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!' Screamed Lockhart. 'I NEVER WANTED YOUR ADVICE ANYWAY.'

'SEVERUS ALWAYS HAS TIME FOR ME!' Screamed Harry, snootily, and slammed the door.

'I AM A RETARD' said Seamus.


End file.
